So today I had to return to work. I cried a lot about it the past week but oddly this morning I did not cry. I actually feel like a vampire that turned their humanity off. I just feel a bit dead inside. I realize this is my way of coping by basically denying what is happening. Hopefully, I will feel again soon and not just sadness but happiness that I have a great job and that A has a great place to go during the day and will be well cared for.
It is weird because before A arrived, I never in a million years thought I would want to be a stay at home mom. I knew it was not for me. And while I still do not (even if this past week I said I did), I can now see why you would do it. It is so filling being at home with my daughter and being her everything and seeing those smiles all day. Even her fussy days I was able to hold her and rock her and comfort her. And it is hard to think that when she gets upset, I won't be there for her, and even the selfish part of me that I will not be getting her smiles and may even miss some milestones as well. She is interacting more and more and is so fun that it just makes it more difficult to leave. Today, it was easier to leave as J is home with her so I did not have to deal with dropping her off at daycare. I think that will be when I really lose it.
I know that all working moms go through this and that they survive and I will too. This is just the next step in our journey. I just did not realize how difficult a journey it would be.